Sunday, October 3, 2010

Selfish Fall

I guess subconsciously, I have decided to make this the fall of selfishness. This is something I haven't done in over seven years. I am being selfish. And, I don't feel very good about it.

It started last weekend. Last weekend was the Biggest Loser 5k. What an awesome experience that was. I got to see people who have never been motivated before get motivated to MOVE. It was like a dream come true. But, it was the first of many times this month that I left my family to do what I wanted to do. Don't get me wrong. I have done many things in the past seven years that I have wanted to do and I have left my family to do them. But, for some reason, this fall, I have an overwhelming number of things, back to back almost, and I feel badly about it.

Next weekend is the biggie and the one I feel most selfish about. Next weekend is the 40 mile race. I have hardly, if at all, interrupted my family's schedule while training for this race--and that is a feat most people can't say. I woke up very early for my runs, I often made pit stops at home to pick up a stroller full of kid or kids and we used this opportunity to try different churches that started a little later than our 8:45 service (so that meant, we went to one that started at 9:00 and one that started at 9:30). Training was basically status quo around here.

But, next weekend is the race. If I do well, I will finish in 6 1/2 hours, if not, I guess it will be closer to 9. That means, Don entertains the kids in a hotel room all day. There are things to do in Greensboro: I researched a great looking Children's Museum, I got a hotel that serves breakfast and has a pool, and the race itself is on 40 miles of parks, trails, and lakes. It should be fine--but it is still selfish. I am using family money to make a point, to prove that I can. Hmmm...

Then, two weeks later, I have a triple whammy. I have a Friday-Saturday conference--all day. At least the kids will be home and have possible playmates and all their toys, and computers, and wii, and nintendo dsi. Then, on Sunday morning, I am pacing some friends in a 1/2 marathon. I want the big surfboard medal. And, I want to see my friends do as well as I know they can. And, I want to have fun racing again. But, I still feel selfish.

And, two weeks after that, another race. This time, a 10k. That should be short and sweet. And, the family might even come cheer. But, it is still just for me and for these crazy habits I have. And, I just feel selfish.

Even when I take a minute to think about what Don will be doing in the same time period--like grading papers as I took the kids mini golfing last week or Halloween party shopping this week, or helping at a disability tournament all weekend on the 15th and 16th, or going out of town for a conference from Oct. 25-28 and then, going straight to a festival that his students are hosting, then spending all day on the 30th at another Halloween festival for his classes, and possibly going to USC for a football game with his dad in early November, I still can't help but feel I am not doing my mommy duties.

I plan on using the time from Nov 14-February 2 to dedicate myself to my family. Then, it will start all over--work conference, MB marathon, Wrightsville Beach marathon...hmmm. Maybe I am always selfish. Or, maybe my kids are getting old enough to not need me as much as they used to. And, maybe I am not selfish, maybe I am just sad. And, maybe I am running away from them growing up.

I have tried to make myself feel a little better about the 40 miler by dedicating each mile to a person--to pray for, to be thankful for, or to just think about. I am taking prayer requests if you have them. I've got a pretty good list and I would be willing to share miles if I have to. I am trying to make the most of the miles. And of the guilt.

I have to end with two more Brittisms: He started playing tennis and I missed his first lesson. I asked how his new teacher was and he said, "He's nice. But, he's old. Not so old that he needs a walking stick, but he's old."

Then, he came down and said he was having a nightmare. I asked what happened and he said, "Mallory had a string cheese and she wouldn't share with me." I said, "I will have to talk to her about that." He said, "Well, no mom, it was just a dream."

Have a great fall---and don't feel selfish about what you do!

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